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Who would have thought?

I travelled hundred miles...nothing compared to the times i dreamt of being with u...
Childhood fantasies and countless wishing on the stars...nevertheless I knew deep in my heart all I needed was to wait and for things to unfold
Situations and experiences molded me ...each a step closer to the day we would finally meet.
Who would have thought one cold, sleepless night, destiny was starting...Half asleep and barely awake, who would have thought that destiny was going to reveal itself that moment?
Beyond understanding and beyond explanation, a small voice whispering inside my heart that being with u would be a revelation of true love...
There was resistance and hesitation and skepticism , yet the stars pointed me to u... who would have thought im made and destined to be with u...
Far beyond my wildest dream, a child full of hope was hundreds miles away from her one true love...her forever.
A few months more...One year to be exact when we will finally say "I do" to a lifetime of love...far beyond culture, far beyond language, far beyond our past. 
I know somehow without a doubt...it's u where I belong.

@
Nov 7, 2012

See How...

I inhale a breathe of fresh new start; now, I belong to someone although not yet officially. Perhaps not the same ecxtatic high of being inlove like i once was but nevertheless I am happy. After months of dating and getting over Kenn, i felt i am starting to get ready for a new love. He loves me, that's for sure. Sometimes suffocating and irritating but I know it is true and real. He loves me inspite of my big tummy and my body hits it's all time fatness and doesnt care at all. He loves me despite my stubborness and difficulty and kisses my forhead as he hugs me tight. He stares at me lovingly even if my eyes pretend not to see and I look away avoiding his glance. He persistently calls and sms me because it seems as if I am his world. He once said he wants to take care of me for the rest of his life , only the perfect words a girl wants to hear from her man. He is a big baby who would give up smoking just because I said so. And would rather come to me with just one call. He stares at me lovingly as I sleep and get pissed of by the nasty driving of the bus driver just because his dear is awaken. He patiently waits for me to say Yes and until now, still waiting until im ready. I asked him: "Are u happy?" and Answers me " Very happy..."

How can i not possibly fall for that? It was the best gift from a heart who was once torn and broken. The perfect ending to my tears.

Now i know i am ready to love again and to be really loved for that matter.

He brings me to places I wanna eat and doesn’t mind if I make him wait. I touch his big tummy at I laugh at his mistakes but he never gets mad. How I wish this chasing never ends even after my elusive YES. See How...as the locals say it...


See How...

@
26 March 2012

My heart still secretly searchs for you after months of trying not to. I find myself staring blankly at my facebook account still wondering where you are right now and secretly hoping I still cross your mind. I am not doing myself any favor at this point and all efforts of trying to forget is being washed away by this secret longing that if only I can go back to that simple happiness when I was with you.

I stop myself in daydreaming...Literally shaking my head when the dreams starts...I wake myself up immediately only to be replaced by a gush of loneliness deep within. A part of me still miss you alot.

Even breathing when I think of you seems to be harder each time when I know those memories will never come back.  I struggle to be okay just because I have to...Things I know I must do but still find it hard to do because my soft spot hits rock bottom and reality sets in that myquestions are still left unanswered.

I hurt myself even more trying to imagine you being with someone new. Taking care of her just the way you did to me and that you have found your perfect match...someone who you think will be your princess for life. Yes. I am the complicated one and the way I think is never simple.

I force myself to go out and meet new people only to find myself still longing to be with you again. Hearing your name still burns a whole in my heart ... Even I can't seem to call it out loud.

Why does "Once upon a time..." still hurts?

It hurts even if I knew it wasn't my fault...It still hurts when I knew I did what I can. It hurts for setting the person you love free even if you don't want to... It hurts knowing things will never be the same and that he will never come back to be yours again.

It hurts...It hurts still...so bad.

Inside this wounded heart of mine just holds on to the promise that all these will end soon.... That laughter and smile is just around the corner and that there's a rainbow after a storm.

I just want my heart to smile again just like it used to. And that this hurt will all soon come to pass.

@
May 18, 2011

Unfinished...

I guess im writing about an episode from "How I met your Mother" Season 6 Episode 3...

"Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scared. It's only once you've stopped , then you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it will always be there. Until you finish it, it will always be......"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    - Ted Mozby


Every now and then I have my moments still...My moment came when I went our for a date with Mike... A supposed to be much awaited moment of finally meeting the What- Might-Have-Been in my life. For some weird reason, I was sad being with him, over dinner and during the Thor movie. I gave him a hug by the lift when he sent me home. And Ria was the only one awake to hear me out. From there, I cried...I cried again. Because I knew deep inside I was sad. I have never thought I would be out with other guys again. But it felt both real and unreal at the same time. I hugged the 2 care bears so tight until I felt tired of crying and went to bed.

I was a self proclaimed Closure Queen. Having supposedly trying to put an end to an Open ended situation. I completely shut the door and walk away. Most of the time, it would have been the right choice, though I walk away with a broken heart.

On partial Fuga Mundi, I just wanna be still and be quiet first...and ponder over things. I wanna free myself of any complications for now. I wanna be left alone for now....

@
10/05/11

I am moving on...

It's a mixture of boredom and pain...when idle moments like this and memories rushes back without you being on guard.

How do u fight it when all u can think of was the good vs the bad?

Even if you tell yourself to just stop asking altogether. Reality bites? U have no clue what went wrong.

U just stop feeling all the good and all the hurt ad to flash a straight face to survive the days. I ask myself, When will this end? and When can i open my heart again? Because even now, when i erase you in my dreams, our short but sweet memories haunts me still.

How do u erase the happiness and just be glad it all happened?

I had the simplest dreams and simplest requests. And above anything else, you were enough for me.

U left me , clueless and the painful thing is u never even tried. You just ran away and choose to be numb.

Even worst is...I don't hate u still. I just wished you had more courage to face me even if we're face to face with our imperfections.

The thought that...'I chose you'...pulls me back to hoping even if I kill all hopes of us being together again.

Because you left me alone, not wanting to fix anything...and just run away.

I love u still...but I have to kill this feeling and the memories we shared as if it never existed and that it was only remnants of a dream.

I believed in you. But you didn't believe in yourself and you estranged yourself to me and that you'd rather loose me than feel the hurt.

My tears just won't fall. Probably because I changed things without any transition. To cut my hair short and go to places without any plans. I didn't recognize who this person was after all the sudden change. Slowly, the new me is being revealed to me and I'm getting to know me again.

I faced the pain....still am facing it.

I am moving on...

@
14/04/2011

Letter of Goodbye

( This letter is gone...Thanks to Season 6 Episode 3 of How I met your mother  - aka "Where's the poop, Robin?"------I'm done with that! )



@
09/05/11          
                                                                                                                                                  
                                   

My Secret Shifters

Christmas
Drinking Session with my cousins
50 KG to 47 KG
More friends (guy friends)
Blueberry cheese cake
Trips to WOW Philippines
Trips in Asia
Universal Studios with my family
Food trip with my sisters
Shopping
Bonding with my SG gang
Starbuck's chill out moments (coffetalks)
Japanese Food
A new cool look
Videoke session
Celine
Miguel
a Stable Career where I am excelling
my TIIS barkada
Jazel
Kaye
Starbuck's Organizer
being fetched in office and sent home after work
Riding in my man's car
A surprise Proposal
A church wedding
Rest house in Tagaytay and Baguio
Vigan
Palawan
Cebu
My own condo
a black BMW
3-5 kids
Pilgrimage to Holy Land
Fossil watch
A successful family business
Reunions
warm solid hugs
tender spine tingling kiss
holding hands with my man
cuddle in couch
Coffeetalks
Payday
Gifts
Surprises
Cold night warm bed
Fluffy pillows
Writing my own self-help love book
my diaries & journals
How to get a date worth keeping
Eastcoast
Overseas trip around Asia :)

Right here Waiting....

For 2 straight days...I couldn't help myself...I'm terribly missing u...I dont wanna ask, I dont wanna know...im just being truly honest about how I feel. And that it...I miss you. How do I find the courage to end this when I have been waiting for so long. In a few month we would've known each other for a year now, but it still not clear to me where we stand. Dating...is that it?

I must admit, you bore me sometimes, but what is it in u i find so attractively irresistible when our likes are miles apart. You like to talk about politics, I like to talk about life and fun. You are always away, and I am right here waiting....

When it doesn't hurt anymore

I still look back in awe of the mystery of how love can evolve through time... When the things you thought you cannot get over with was staring at you right in the face...you don't feel a single gush of pain. You observe, you pause , step back a little and yet get the same reaction...nothing. No more pain.

Is there still a little love left? Or is it just a small part of you that tries to feel the same as before. It's that inner part of you that tries so hard to bring back the hope that was lost together with the pain that seemed unbearable that time. It's as if it's just reaching out for a final bid.

Looking back, everything seemed pre-mature. What a huge difference of a couple of months being inlove to a year or years of agony and pain. The "getting over" part was the hardest when in fact, you have buried those months of happy memories so deep, you found it hard to extract them and throw it far away. Even now, in this very idle moment, when i found the will to write again...I feel it's all too useless now.When there is no deep feeling accompanying this passion i've kept in secret for years.

I write like mad on a lost feeling that might never comeback. But then again, it brought my passion back to life. Soon I will see you again. But I look through you in empty eyes, searching for which part of you i fell for the most. And yet, you as well might not see it in me anymore. For we have grown too far apart, like known strangers in the dark.


I can no longer think of what's next...because there is no next anymore. Not that I know for that matter.  When the magic had faded, so is that dream of you and me...I don't see us anymore. But im glad we are what we are now.

You... Me.

we're okay.


@
08/1210

Feather


 It was constant...like a symbol of hope whenever i feel down. A heavenly sign that "it will all be okay soon". A gush of hope , assuring me that this too shall come to pass. It appears to me almost everywhere...even at the most unusual places...My room...in the street...in the bathroom. God's sign was unstoppable.

I was a work-in-progress for the last few months especially when I was in he process of reading the book that changed my life completely. (dating life that is...)

Dear journal, 


I start this entry again with finishing the 5th season of "how i met your mother". It wasn't at all that great but it kept me from falling asleep when i wanted to be awake for the wrong reasons. And yet again this journal closed at some point but hey! auto-save works so i dont have to worry about not being able to continue my thoughts.

I am still a work in progress.... And just like a small kid being scared and all panicky about doing something out of the usual, I am too...I wanted to get the book back and start reading it all over again. But I want to pass on it and try to recall lessons i have learned from the book. I wanted to think I imbibed all that is written there or to have open notes to peek on the answers...
but it doesnt work that way... It was never a one two three or ABC thing ...Life and Love was a random thing. I tried to shrug it off last night...the thinking and the processing of my emotions. And at the end it was time to wake up.

I was turning off the auto-pilot and was actually driving... It is scary at first but as your drive along...You just get used to it. Even to the point of wanting to write it down just for the sake of memories when my homerun has finally arrived. 

Just like any other lovestory...i have no idea of the ending or who he is or if whether he is to come or not. I was still the hopeless romantic girl from 2nd grade...writing love letters that never gets to be read by the one. Looking back, what would've happened when I gave it to him... or if he had read it? Or if i had taken the chance to admitting what i felt and not feeling guilty about it? Well, of course I wouldn't know anymore.

I recognize the pattern now and was blessed to see the cause of it... But like what i usually say to Kaye...knowing is different from doing. I wanna know and do. and not do without knowing or just knowing without doing....Not even settle on the fact that 'a know and a do' existed.

Deep breathe...sigh*** and not even dare think about it...because i have exhausted all there is to even dreaming...so someone verbalizing an image of my AWFUL self triggered the insecure self within me. The one I HATED and never want to come across again.

For 27 years...I have obsessed with 'the one'...He comes in different wrappings everytime but ultimately or rather apparently he's suppose to be the one.The all magnificent here of my dreams...It never occured to me that he might not even existed in the 1st place...and as i type away these things... the battle inside my heart rages on. Can any of the two ever win...I'm excited to find out...

Just now...I know HE is holding my hand...and I close my eyes because I want to trust completely. It is dark from here on...and still the battle inside me rages but I  trust in the fact that if God is on my side...I can never lose. 

And so i end this with a silent prayer...that even if I dont know which path to take now...I am assured that I will be truly loved anyway...even almost perfectly.

@
May 1 , 2010