Nov 7, 2012
How can i not possibly fall for that? It was the best gift from a heart who was once torn and broken. The perfect ending to my tears.
Now i know i am ready to love again and to be really loved for that matter.
He brings me to places I wanna eat and doesn’t mind if I make him wait. I touch his big tummy at I laugh at his mistakes but he never gets mad. How I wish this chasing never ends even after my elusive YES. See How...as the locals say it...
26 March 2012
I stop myself in daydreaming...Literally shaking my head when the dreams starts...I wake myself up immediately only to be replaced by a gush of loneliness deep within. A part of me still miss you alot.
Even breathing when I think of you seems to be harder each time when I know those memories will never come back. I struggle to be okay just because I have to...Things I know I must do but still find it hard to do because my soft spot hits rock bottom and reality sets in that myquestions are still left unanswered.
I hurt myself even more trying to imagine you being with someone new. Taking care of her just the way you did to me and that you have found your perfect match...someone who you think will be your princess for life. Yes. I am the complicated one and the way I think is never simple.
I force myself to go out and meet new people only to find myself still longing to be with you again. Hearing your name still burns a whole in my heart ... Even I can't seem to call it out loud.
Why does "Once upon a time..." still hurts?
It hurts even if I knew it wasn't my fault...It still hurts when I knew I did what I can. It hurts for setting the person you love free even if you don't want to... It hurts knowing things will never be the same and that he will never come back to be yours again.
It hurts...It hurts still...so bad.
Inside this wounded heart of mine just holds on to the promise that all these will end soon.... That laughter and smile is just around the corner and that there's a rainbow after a storm.
I just want my heart to smile again just like it used to. And that this hurt will all soon come to pass.
May 18, 2011
"Most of the time it's just too difficult, too expensive, too scared. It's only once you've stopped , then you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it will always be there. Until you finish it, it will always be......"
Every now and then I have my moments still...My moment came when I went our for a date with Mike... A supposed to be much awaited moment of finally meeting the What- Might-Have-Been in my life. For some weird reason, I was sad being with him, over dinner and during the Thor movie. I gave him a hug by the lift when he sent me home. And Ria was the only one awake to hear me out. From there, I cried...I cried again. Because I knew deep inside I was sad. I have never thought I would be out with other guys again. But it felt both real and unreal at the same time. I hugged the 2 care bears so tight until I felt tired of crying and went to bed.
I was a self proclaimed Closure Queen. Having supposedly trying to put an end to an Open ended situation. I completely shut the door and walk away. Most of the time, it would have been the right choice, though I walk away with a broken heart.
On partial Fuga Mundi, I just wanna be still and be quiet first...and ponder over things. I wanna free myself of any complications for now. I wanna be left alone for now....
How do u fight it when all u can think of was the good vs the bad?
Even if you tell yourself to just stop asking altogether. Reality bites? U have no clue what went wrong.
U just stop feeling all the good and all the hurt ad to flash a straight face to survive the days. I ask myself, When will this end? and When can i open my heart again? Because even now, when i erase you in my dreams, our short but sweet memories haunts me still.
How do u erase the happiness and just be glad it all happened?
I had the simplest dreams and simplest requests. And above anything else, you were enough for me.
U left me , clueless and the painful thing is u never even tried. You just ran away and choose to be numb.
Even worst is...I don't hate u still. I just wished you had more courage to face me even if we're face to face with our imperfections.
The thought that...'I chose you'...pulls me back to hoping even if I kill all hopes of us being together again.
Because you left me alone, not wanting to fix anything...and just run away.
I love u still...but I have to kill this feeling and the memories we shared as if it never existed and that it was only remnants of a dream.
I believed in you. But you didn't believe in yourself and you estranged yourself to me and that you'd rather loose me than feel the hurt.
My tears just won't fall. Probably because I changed things without any transition. To cut my hair short and go to places without any plans. I didn't recognize who this person was after all the sudden change. Slowly, the new me is being revealed to me and I'm getting to know me again.
I faced the pain....still am facing it.
I am moving on...
Drinking Session with my cousins
50 KG to 47 KG
More friends (guy friends)
Blueberry cheese cake
Trips to WOW Philippines
Trips in Asia
Universal Studios with my family
Food trip with my sisters
Bonding with my SG gang
Starbuck's chill out moments (coffetalks)
A new cool look
a Stable Career where I am excelling
my TIIS barkada
being fetched in office and sent home after work
Riding in my man's car
A surprise Proposal
A church wedding
Rest house in Tagaytay and Baguio
My own condo
a black BMW
Pilgrimage to Holy Land
A successful family business
warm solid hugs
tender spine tingling kiss
holding hands with my man
cuddle in couch
Cold night warm bed
Writing my own self-help love book
my diaries & journals
How to get a date worth keeping
Overseas trip around Asia :)
I must admit, you bore me sometimes, but what is it in u i find so attractively irresistible when our likes are miles apart. You like to talk about politics, I like to talk about life and fun. You are always away, and I am right here waiting....
Is there still a little love left? Or is it just a small part of you that tries to feel the same as before. It's that inner part of you that tries so hard to bring back the hope that was lost together with the pain that seemed unbearable that time. It's as if it's just reaching out for a final bid.
Looking back, everything seemed pre-mature. What a huge difference of a couple of months being inlove to a year or years of agony and pain. The "getting over" part was the hardest when in fact, you have buried those months of happy memories so deep, you found it hard to extract them and throw it far away. Even now, in this very idle moment, when i found the will to write again...I feel it's all too useless now.When there is no deep feeling accompanying this passion i've kept in secret for years.
I write like mad on a lost feeling that might never comeback. But then again, it brought my passion back to life. Soon I will see you again. But I look through you in empty eyes, searching for which part of you i fell for the most. And yet, you as well might not see it in me anymore. For we have grown too far apart, like known strangers in the dark.
I can no longer think of what's next...because there is no next anymore. Not that I know for that matter. When the magic had faded, so is that dream of you and me...I don't see us anymore. But im glad we are what we are now.
It was constant...like a symbol of hope whenever i feel down. A heavenly sign that "it will all be okay soon". A gush of hope , assuring me that this too shall come to pass. It appears to me almost everywhere...even at the most unusual places...My room...in the street...in the bathroom. God's sign was unstoppable.
I was a work-in-progress for the last few months especially when I was in he process of reading the book that changed my life completely. (dating life that is...)
I start this entry again with finishing the 5th season of "how i met your mother". It wasn't at all that great but it kept me from falling asleep when i wanted to be awake for the wrong reasons. And yet again this journal closed at some point but hey! auto-save works so i dont have to worry about not being able to continue my thoughts.
I am still a work in progress.... And just like a small kid being scared and all panicky about doing something out of the usual, I am too...I wanted to get the book back and start reading it all over again. But I want to pass on it and try to recall lessons i have learned from the book. I wanted to think I imbibed all that is written there or to have open notes to peek on the answers...
but it doesnt work that way... It was never a one two three or ABC thing ...Life and Love was a random thing. I tried to shrug it off last night...the thinking and the processing of my emotions. And at the end it was time to wake up.
I was turning off the auto-pilot and was actually driving... It is scary at first but as your drive along...You just get used to it. Even to the point of wanting to write it down just for the sake of memories when my homerun has finally arrived.
Just like any other lovestory...i have no idea of the ending or who he is or if whether he is to come or not. I was still the hopeless romantic girl from 2nd grade...writing love letters that never gets to be read by the one. Looking back, what would've happened when I gave it to him... or if he had read it? Or if i had taken the chance to admitting what i felt and not feeling guilty about it? Well, of course I wouldn't know anymore.
I recognize the pattern now and was blessed to see the cause of it... But like what i usually say to Kaye...knowing is different from doing. I wanna know and do. and not do without knowing or just knowing without doing....Not even settle on the fact that 'a know and a do' existed.
Deep breathe...sigh*** and not even dare think about it...because i have exhausted all there is to even dreaming...so someone verbalizing an image of my AWFUL self triggered the insecure self within me. The one I HATED and never want to come across again.
For 27 years...I have obsessed with 'the one'...He comes in different wrappings everytime but ultimately or rather apparently he's suppose to be the one.The all magnificent here of my dreams...It never occured to me that he might not even existed in the 1st place...and as i type away these things... the battle inside my heart rages on. Can any of the two ever win...I'm excited to find out...
Just now...I know HE is holding my hand...and I close my eyes because I want to trust completely. It is dark from here on...and still the battle inside me rages but I trust in the fact that if God is on my side...I can never lose.
And so i end this with a silent prayer...that even if I dont know which path to take now...I am assured that I will be truly loved anyway...even almost perfectly.
May 1 , 2010